Project: Genesis

(from the Archives of the Head Office)

To: Chief Executive Jehovah
From: Head of Marketing Department Gabriel
Our research into Genesis Project showed that the most promising systems on the current market are following:
Planet: 1
Radius: 3000 km
Gravity: 0.5 g
Water to dry land ratio: 1:1
Temperature: + 24 C
Atmosphere: oxygen
Sees: fresh water
Rivers: milk and honey
Fauna: herbivorous
Periphery: 2 celestial bodies (day and night), speed – 1 turn per fortnight

“Resolution:
Send to the Department of Strategic Planning for requirements specification.”
- Jehovah

To: Chief Executive Jehovah
From: Head of Department of Strategic Planning Michael
In order to decrease the cost price of the system I suggest supplying both celestial bodies from the same power source and substituting oxygen for nitrogen.

“We should leave at least 50% of oxygen, otherwise the user will suffocate”
- Head of Department of Testing and Technical Support, Rafael

“25% will be enough”
- Jehovah

To: Chief Executive Jehovah
From: Head of Department of Systems Engineering Lucifer
During operations on the Genesis Project (stage: Let There Be Light) the following difficulties were discovered:We do not have a compact source of regular fluorescence which could supply two celestial bodies. I suggest using standard source of Red Dwarf type and using a mirror as a night celestial body.

“Yellow Dwarf is better. The cost price is not that higher but it looks much more impressive”
- Head of Marketing Department, Gabriel

“But Yellow Dwarf is a server source. What does a single planet user need it for?”
- Lucifer

“The Department of Advertising will explain the user what he needs and what he doesn’t need”
- Gabriel

“Lucifer, please concern yourself with questions of your profile. I sanction the Yellow Dwarf”
- Jehovah

“By the way, the brightness of the Yellow Dwarf will allow us to use a simple planetoid instead of a mirror”
- Michael

“Agreed”
- Jehovah

To: Chief Executive Jehovah
From: Head of Department of Systems Engineering Lucifer
After the initial changes in requirements specification the following difficulties occurred: the mass of the source of regular fluorescence is much larger than the mass of the planet, hence the source refuses to rotate around the planet. Instead we‘ve got the planet rotating around the source. In addition, due to the power of the source the temperature on the planet is considerably higher than originally planned. If we increase the distance to the source the size of the whole system will increase.

“The bigger it is – the better. However, rotation of the planet around the peripheral device can cause inferiority complex in the user. May be we could change the gravitation constant?”
- Gabriel

“If we change the gravitation constant we’ll have problems with compatibility”
- Michael

“Why should the user mind what rotates around what? Let the Department of Advertising think of some theory of relativity”
- Jehovah

To: Chief Executive Jehovah
From: Head of Department of Systems Engineering Lucifer
After increasing the size of the orbit all attempts to speed up the planet in accordance to the original design fail (the planet flies in the outer space).By the way, same happens with the night celestial body.

“It doesn’t matter what happens in the system, what matters is what the user sees. Why can’t we make the planet revolve on its axis? Then the user would think that the sun and the moon rotate around the planet with the speed set in requirements specification.”
- Gabriel

“Do you think the user won’t notice?”
- Jehovah

“By the time he will notice we would have long submitted the project”
- Gabriel

“Agreed”
- Jehovah

To: Chief Executive Jehovah
From: Head of Department of Testing and Technical Support, Rafael
The initial testing of the system revealed the following defects:
1 - Persistent overheating.
2 - The revolving axis deviated 33 degrees from the vertical, causing cyclical temperature anomalies.
3 - Throughput of rivers doesn’t correspond to the projected.
4 - Herbivorous fauna is lacking.

To: Chief Executive Jehovah
From: Head of Department of Systems Engineering Lucifer
1 - What else did you hope for with such water to land ratio? For optimal cooling we need the ratio to be 1:3 to 1:4.
2 – We are working on the axis.
3 – The rivers don’t work because milk turns sour and honey becomes sugared.
4 - Herbivorous fauna needs grass, and the latter wouldn’t grow in such a heat and without water.
I suggest using water for rivers. It will also help with solving the 3rd problem.We will add another planet on the outer orbit as a gravitational counterbalance.

“We cannot decrease the size of dry land, so we need to increase the seas. That means increases in overall size and gravity force. Plus the extra planet…”
- Michael

“That’s quite all right. The user will agree to it. We’ll present the extra planet as a bonus feature. However, we have already announced milk and honey. We have to leave it in at least the major rivers”
- Gabriel

“Just to remind you, the deadlines are getting closer and you haven’t got anything yet. The designers haven’t even started on the herbivorous fauna, instead they keep messing about with dinosaurs. Who needs dinosaurs anyway?”
- Jehovah

“Actually, the user likes dinosaurs.”
- Gabriel

“Ok then, but there has to be herbivorous fauna too.”
- Jehovah

To: Chief Executive Jehovah
From: Head of Department of Testing and Technical Support, Rafael
In addition to the unresolved problems with the axis, the planet now has a tendency of flying away in the outer space. Herbivorous fauna is still lacking.

To: Chief Executive Jehovah
From: Head of Department of Systems Engineering Lucifer
We will make another counterbalance, this time on the inner orbit.We had herbivorous fauna. It bred, consumed all the grass and died out.

“How many counterbalances in total do you need?”
- Michael

“Well, after calibrating works we could stabilise the system on nine.”
- Lucifer

“Do I get it right? Instead of one planet the user will get nine?!”
- Jehovah

“So what? Eight out of them are unsuitable for living anyway.”
- Lucifer

“What about the size of the system?”
- Jehovah

“The user doesn’t need to know the size of the system. Half of those planets are impossible to detect without a telescope. I suggest adding an 11th commandment: “Though shall not invent a telescope”
- Gabriel

“Don’t, then they will definitely invent it.”
- Jehovah

“By the way, after we increased the radius of the orbit the brightness of night celestial body dropped below projected minimum. I suggest installing the mirror instead.
- Rafael

“Where were you before? We have just balanced out the system! Do you want us to reinstall it all again?!"
- Lucifer

“This is out of the question! We have six days till the project deadline. Lucifer, either you make this whole thing work, or I will demote you!”
- Jehovah

To: Chief Executive Jehovah
From: Head of Department of Systems Engineering Lucifer
It is not my fault I didn’t receive proper requirements specification! Anyway, we will have to leave the axis incline as it is. At least we will have +24 C in the Eden Garden, and if the user wants to wander off somewhere else it is his problem. It didn’t work with milk and honey, so we filled rivers with water, only now it carries salt into the seas. We have no time to finish dinosaurs but we do have herbivorous fauna. In order for it not to eat all the resources we created a patch: Predators, however we don’t have time to write for them a program of distinguishing the user from prey. All in all, it will work.

“Good.”
- Jehovah

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It's my translation of an old old Internet joke